Rape cultural conversation

Whilst we were killing time at his shop he asked if I'd seen an article on our shared site about a woman who had been raped but took selfies and posted them before calling the police.

I'd read all about this attention w*ore.

Now usually as a woman, when you hear about another woman being attacked or sexually assaulted, you automatically fly into defend mode and start screaming and yelling for justice and someones balls on a platter.

Usually.

You don't ever say it was how she was dressed, or how much she had to drink that caused it. A man needs to keep his hands and other appendages to himself.

However in this twisted case this woman was living abroad. A man in her building was consistently trying to get her attention. She didn't give it to him. He kept trying, she told him she had a boyfriend. Which was true. 

One night her shower stopped working. So she goes to the pesky neighbor and asks to shower with him. He of course says yes. She kisses him on the mouth.

She is raped.

He and I sat talking about if the facts are the facts 'what did she think was going to happen.'? 

Like I mentioned before it's not about clothes or alcohol. But I am a grown assed woman. And personally I get burnt out on other grown women who think we live in Utopia where nothing bad ever happens. Where they can walk down the street butt naked and no one will lay a finger on them. A world where they can get as drunk as they want and make out with as many men as they want, and then just excuse themselves and go home like nothing happened. I get  annoyed with women who don't take precautions up front, or take responsibility for their choices. 

If you are going to wear a dental floss dress and f me pumps out, be a big girl and be ready for all the attention even the negative that that may bring. If you don't know kung fu or crazy; then you may want to rethink your wardrobe choice. You know, for safety sake. I'm not saying DON'T wear it, just know what message you are sending when you do wear it.

Dave Chapelle had a great bit about this. He said imagine if he walked around dressed like a police officer. Then someone ran up to him that needed his help. Then he said "Oh no, I'm not a police office, I just dress this way because I like it." He was equating women dressing like prostitutes to this. He's point is crude, but you get the point.

I had too many questions about this woman's choices that night. Where was her boyfriend, and why couldn't she use his shower? Why ask the one man who has expressed interest in you to be naked in his presence. Not to shower alone, but to shower WITH him. 

DANGER!

Even though he and I were on the exact same side of this here issue; it made me wonder about him and his ideas of consent. Some men think that once the act begins, all bets are off. Even if she says stop, she said yes so too bad for her for wanting to stop. This is how rape gets into the conversation. If I tell you to stop and you don't then my consent has been rescinded and now you are taking something I don't wish to give you. Many men don't care. There is the classic well endowed man, who when his new partner realizes how painful sex with him is, wants to stop; and he will not. These men then spin her allegation into 'she couldn't handle the d*ck'. 

There is a mentality that goes along with this, and entitlement if you will that will not stand. Before becoming involved with someone sexually, you have to find out if they have this mentality. If they will listen to your requests. If they will respect your boundaries and concerns. Or if once they are aroused, their hearing suddenly goes. Or if they have had a lot to drink, they could be in a blackout while forcing themselves on you. This is why I made a point never to have sex with a man who has had too much to drink. Then he can play the 'I don't remember having sex with you' game the next day too. 

Not the kid.

I watched the new film 'Edge of Seventeen' which was about an extremely socially awkward girl. ( I say asbergers ) Who has an extremely difficult time connecting with people. She is attractive, but really clueless. She has an obsessive crush on a guy who works at a pet store. She also likes an equally awkward guy at school. One night when suffering a breakdown she sends a text to petstore crush that is very sexually explicit, though every sweet saying that she feels close to him. He agrees to meet her and pick her up in his car. Now my heart sank because I thought this will not turn out well. Of course the guy thinks she is DTF, but she is hopelessly in love and wants to 'get to know him'. He is angry at this. All turned on with nowhere to put it. He was very cool about the whole thing. He could have forced himself on her, or at least kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere in a rage. The writers soft peddled the hell out of that scene. Made it not traumatic for her. But the reality is, most men when erect are not that cool. Period.

As women we have to learn not to say things we don't have any intention on following through with. Not to tease men either. Her school crush happened to be crazy rich and live in a mansion with a grotto. They were swimming and over by the waterfall she asks if he wants to have sex? He thinks this is it! Then she starts laughing at him. He is not amused. He turns on a song about what an asshole she is. They brush it off. But that could have also gone horribly wrong. He also in a rage could have kicked her out of his house for having teased him. This film did a shitty job of showing what can REALLY happen to you if you act like this.

As grown women, we have to wonder about that super cute guy we want to date. If he's a super perv. If he's addicted to porn. If he's a closet rapist. Or if he's totally normal. You don't know what you are getting these days there is just so much dysfunction.

In the meantime, how do I get to hold hands with him?

Weekend drop in

I got up early to go to the movies with a friend. Afterward I wound my way over to his job to visit him.

It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by. 

He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand. 

When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.

We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'. 

I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile. 

This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me.  Then I will consider other things.

As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.

I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.


So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.

They sparkle you know.

You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel. 

I call bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into. 

Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.

We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them. 

When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.

But I DO want him.

sigh.