Since my new years declaration, I have spent lots of time meditating on what a relationship is and means. Women of another era would have me believe I was dead already. I started wondering about sex, and how it's going to come about. I felt like I am supposed to be ashamed that I want to be in a committed relationship so the sex can be great because I can show my feelings. I am exhausted having to hide my emotions constantly. I don't want to do it anymore.
I spent time pouring over the circumstances of all my past relationships, and the ones I wasn't invited to be in. My exes are a motley crue of misfits and nairthewells, who were not invited either.
White privledge comes up lots these days. Back 20 years plus ago if I didn't date white boys, I wouldn't have dated at all. But they were the ones with no social status, so dating me wouldn't threaten where they were in the food chain. They were at the bottom of their thing so they had nothing to lose by being with me. Real talk.
I don't want to date the 'guy that can't get a girl no matter how hard he tries.' He usually is quiet, and sweet seeming. Which is easy to fall into. I would always realize we didn't have much in common, and all the stuff I care about he knows nothing about whatsoever. I have to stop and explain shit to him constantly. Our friends are opposites, and would never be in the same room mingling together. He usually has no goals, no dreams and no drive. He tells me he loves me too often and how pretty I am so it starts to mean nothing. I wake up resenting him. The only thing between us is sex, and usually lots of it. He can't believe how much sex he's having so he loves me for it. He's a horrible dresser, and has no style or class. He is not charming, or witty and his humor is usually on the goofy side. He's pretty much an overgrown child, and I stand back and look and wonder what the fuck am I doing with this guy?
After my last breakup 20 something years ago I promised myself I wouldn't no matter how bad it got, no matter how lonely I wouldn't fall back into this pattern.
You guessed it.
It's happening again.
What usually precipitates it is a guy who won't give me the time of day. Treats me like a groupie, and keeps me at arms length. But tells me just enough what I want to hear to keep me around. I wanted to stop this pattern too. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop falling for men who WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. After way too much time waiting around for this fucker to care, some unassuming nerd happens along and BOOM! He's my boyfriend. It's like going from holding your breath, to getting an oxygen mask.
But then I have to stop myself.
Am I doing it again?
I would catch myself talking myself into liking this nerd. What else do you have to do? No one is beating down your door to take you ANYWHERE! You better get this dude on your team. Then I'd manufacture emotions that weren't there, mostly to please him and make him happy. If he was happy, then I was happy. But then I would think about what would really make me happy. He wouldn't be in there anywhere.
But what would happen...
If the nice guy this time had things in common with me. Was creative like me, was living for his art like me? What if we wanted the same things? Could I have REAL feelings this time? The irony that I am having problems with is that I am struggling to get a place and back on my feet and so is he. We are on identical playing fields. Is that good or bad? Women are always told that the man has to be able to support you, and pay for things. Men who aren't flush with cash are unattractive we are taught. But men are always screaming 'but what about who I am?' It goes both ways. Because a woman's currency is her looks. Men want the hottest chick in the room and she screams 'what about who I am?' I'm not a banging 10, and he's not rich. Am I all he can afford? Joking. He doesn't seem to be overly self conscious about his finances. He took me on a date to the movies. I can't even remember the last time a guy took me to the movies and paid. On our date we talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I drove him to the train station and he shared an epiphany with me. It was a very passionate plea to stay the course and believe. That was it for me. I was hooked.
I felt silly. I wanted more of him. I felt had.
I couldn't stop thinking about him after. I asked if I could drop by his work on the weekend. He said let him know when. I can't wait. But I feel like I have to be cool. Not blow it. Or unleash on him.
I am a little scared.
I don't want to screw it up.
