If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.
But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.
One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.
Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing.
It's not happening.
It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time.
The messages I would get would be either one or two words.
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation.
Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it.
Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?
There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.
So.
I'm done.
No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.
It makes me tired.
I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me.
It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.
That is the bottom line.
So no more.
The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.
I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.
A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.
Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want.
To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.
It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you.
But
How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.
I have to work on me.
Period.
